The Tale of the Man That Turned 30
A relatively young man came into my office crying one day. I asked him what the problem was and he said his boyfriend didn’t love him anymore. They began dating when he was 19 and the boyfriend was 40.
But he wasn’t a gold digger. He loved his partner.
“But once I turned 30 everything changed. He stopped paying attention to me and now we sleep in separate rooms. Every time I ask him what’s wrong he won’t even discuss it with me. [He continued sobbing] I know its over but I just don’t know what I did wrong. He’s the only guy I’ve ever been with!”.
I already knew but I dug deeper just to be sure. It broke my heart to have to tell the young man the only thing he did ‘wrong’ was turning 30. His partner was looking for a sugar baby for sex and not much more.
Thanks to common law marriage laws the young man wasn’t left out in the street but his heart was left out in the cold. Please be careful who you hitch your wagon to.
It’s far too common for gay men to enter into a relationship way too quickly when they finally find someone that is at their level and single. Studies show that male same-sex couples experienced significantly higher rates of failure than other romantic couples. In this piece, we’re going to talk about how to begin a successful gay relationship and what to avoid to keep it that way!
1. Be ready for a relationship
So often I get gay men coming into my office saying buzzwords like ‘gay relationship goals’ or that they really want a boyfriend when in truth they have no idea what a true relationship entails.
A quick guide typically men don’t enter their settle-down stage until after 25. Before then, to them, a relationship is really just a friend with benefits.
A real relationship requires maturity, flexibility, and discipline.
2. Understand that your friends are not always your friends
Most people, gay or straight, consult their close friends when they are having relationship troubles but the truth is that can be a mistake for a few reasons:
- Friends are not objective
- Some friends can want you to be single just like them
- A lot of times friends just plain don’t know what they’re talking about
Nothing is sadder to me when I see a potentially great relationship break up because one of the guy’s friends told him to “dump his ass”. A disturbing trend among some single people is that they also want their friends to be single as well.
Even with good intentions they may be inadvertently trying to make you single again. I’m not saying don’t listen to your friends but I’m saying to take their advice with a grain of salt.
3. Stay away from the bars for awhile
Infidelity is still the number one reasons cited for our relationships to fail. Let’s face it. We’re men! The temptation is out there and will always be there. The best thing you can do besides mental discipline to prevent yourself from cheating is to reduce temptation!
That means staying off the apps and out of the bars for a while. Any place where large amounts of gay men congregate is going to be breeding grounds for temptation and the beginning of the end of your relationship that you put so much work into.
Frankly, if you’re in a relationship there’s no good reason to have grindr or any other dating app on your phone anyway. An app like that on either partner’s phone is a very bad sign!
4. Don’t open up too quickly
As you know I am strongly opposed to ‘open relationships’. In almost all the ‘open relationships’ that come into my office it’s usually one partner that wants the relationship to be ‘open’ and its because he thinks he can get something better but is hedging his bets.
However, some gay couples insist that the relationship be open and I can’t talk them out of it. Usually, because one partner is desperate to save the relationship.
So, if you want the relationship to be open then at least wait 6 months to a year minimum. If your partner is asking to open a relationship after just a few weeks it’s because he’s already decided that he can do better than you but wants to keep you as an option on the table. Sorry…
Keep in mind that being open can breed resentment really quickly.
“Why don’t you do it like he does?”
“At first it was once every three months but now he wants a threesome almost every week it seems”
“He always picks guys that have bigger dicks than I do for our threeways”
Those are just a few things I’ve heard inside in my office from ‘open’ couples. Open relationships are a bad idea and those relationships that do last tend to be nothing more than relationships of convenience.
5. Be equally yoked financially
Besides infidelity money is the second most common reason gay relationships break up. Inevitably the higher income partner will always pay more and begin to resent the lower income partner.
A lot of times the lower income partner will try to show he is sincere by taking on more of the housework but then he begins to resent the higher income partner because he feels as though he’s being treated as a maid.
Almost no relationship is 50/50 financially but having at least somewhat similar financial means as your partner will go a long way towards a successful gay relationship.
6. Successful gay relationships are slow
If you want to know how to have a successful gay relationship then please listen to this. When beginning a relationship TAKE-YOUR-TIME! We live in an instant gratification society where everyone wants what they want right now. Relationships, especially gay relationships, just don’t work that way. It takes time to build that true love and trust. Remember that guy that made you cum 5 times and then you wanted to be with him forever?
That wasn’t love–that’s lust sweetheart…
A relationship is a team effort and it must have a strong foundation to withstand the headwinds of temptation and jealous friends.
7. Maintain your physical fitness
I don’t need to tell you how visual men are when it comes to attraction. Sometimes once we’ve been in a relationship for a long time we tend to let ourselves go.
Straight men do it so why can’t we?
Because straight women don’t care about looks nearly to the same degree as men do. You can’t control your age but you can control your weight. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle will make life easier for you and your partner.
Exercising at home is a good option if you don’t want to be a gym rat. Try this great portable home gym to get all the exercise you want without leaving your home or buying super expensive equipment. The truth is the key to lose weight is right on your kitchen table! Keeping fit is a key component of a good healthy sex life. In fact here’s a video of how to lose weight by cutting just one vegetable from your diet.
8. Maintain your emotional fitness
Gay men are 5x more likely to suffer from depression than our straight counterparts. It’s sad but true and having emotive issues can put a lot of strain on a relationship.
And I do mean a lot of strain…
A big break up cause for gay couples is the emotional distress of another partner. However, if you want to know how to have a successful gay relationship then you need to know how to control your emotions.
I personally am a strong fan of theta meditation that’s the type of meditation where your brain is in a theta state. Studies show it’s the most relaxing form of meditation as it helps your brain to truly relax and be at ease.
I remember back in June of 2013 a client came into my office desperate to save his relationship of 10 years. He knew the problem was his bad mood swings which were driving his partner away. He wasn’t a fan of big pharma and was desperate for a solution.
I worked with him for 8 months doing various grounding exercises to enable his mind to relax enough to finally reach a theta state. Eventually, it worked and his mood swings subsided dramatically!
Not to mention his relationship was saved…
9. (Bonus) Look in The Right Places
Where you find your relationship can make a huge impact of its success. If you are on grindr, for example, it’s much more likely that he’s not serious and just looking for a romp. Even if you meet in person at a gay bar those guys aren’t often serious. If you are looking for a serious long term relationship then try Compatible Partners. Its matching system is second to none and can help you find your forever much sooner than, say, on grindr!