Gay Christian dating is tough as there’s so little guidance out there for us. When’s the right time for gay Christians to have sex? How do we select the right partner? Should Gay Christians only date with the intent to marry? etc etc. In this blog, I’m going to answer the question “How to know if he is the one”. This is based on my extensive research as a gay Christian and what I used to determine if my husband is was the right guy for marriage.
Is it true love or truly just lust?
Many gay men, myself included, sometimes confuse good sexual chemistry with a good relationship. Before I met my husband I was dating this young man for 6 months. He was a short, hairless twink, with fantastic abs. He was exactly my type! We’d go get something to eat and then he’d come over my place at say 3 pm and by the time we’d finish doing the deed several times it’d be 10 pm. I swear I’m not exaggerating. After a few months of this, I thought to myself “is he the one”. I really considered marrying him. I even went on Amazon to search for rings for goodness sakes!
Right as I was adding a ring to my ‘save for later’ list I started to think about it. I asked God ‘is he the one?’. Now there was no bright light accompanied by angelic music that came into my room or anything. I just had this strong feeling that I needed to take a step back and look at this as objectively as possible. As I thought more and more I actually began to realize that we didn’t really have that much in common. In fact, he was what I’d consider a “Christian-in-name-only”. The whole ‘relationship’ was really just a hump fest. Eventually, the lust wore off and we just stopped talking. He’s still a friend on facebook and he came to my wedding but the feelings are gone. I strongly believe that as a Christian God wants me to be married to another Christian so we can help each other in our walk on the path of Christ.
Is he equally yoked?
While I’m not a biblical literalist I do strongly believe that God wants Christians (gay or straight) to marry other Christians, but especially gay Christians. Why? Because we all know the gay community can be downright hostile to Christians. Christians are often the subject of jeers and sneers in the community. If, as gay Christians, we want to stay in our faith we’re going to need help. Having that support base to come home to when you get asked for the millionth time “How can you be gay and a Christian? That’s like a jew supporting Hitler.” is critical to staying in the faith. Whenever I think of whether a gay Christian should marry a non-Christian I remember 2 Corinthians 6:14:
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
Is he your best friend?
Sometimes we gays get so desperate for a relationship that we just settle for anyone that we can marginally stand to be around and can do it with the lights on. That’s not a recipe for a happy marriage. Study after study demonstrates that marriages that last are marriages where your spouse is also your best friend. When asking yourself if this is the right guy to marry your next questions should be:
- How much do we have in common?
- Do I really enjoy his company, outside of sex, at least some of the time?
- If something were to happen to me would he stick around?
- Do we ‘get’ each other more often than not?
- Do we share fundamental values?
- Does he know my favorite color? Do I know his?
Would he stick around?
I’ll never forget about 10 years ago I was watching Suzie Orman and she was in her Q&A segment. A viewer had written into her show pleading for advice:
I have just retired and have $700,000 in savings and my partner just got an $800,000 inheritance. I want to combine our money together but he’s insisting to use my savings first before we use his inheritance. I’ve been the breadwinner throughout our relationship. What should I do?
I could see the heartbreak in Suzie’s eyes as she tactically tried to tell him that the reason the partner doesn’t want to use any of his inheritance is because he doesn’t really love him and wants to have a nest egg to leave him when his (the viewer’s) money runs out.
This is really important that it deserves his own paragraph. One thing I see too often in the gay community is mature men chasing young guys (20 years+ younger) and guys marrying older men for money. I’ve said before if you want to date someone 20+ years younger than you then you’re most likely going to have to pay for it.
That being said not all intergenerational relationships are about mutual exploitation. However, if you’re really interested in marrying someone significantly younger than you or just someone with significantly fewer resources than you do then you need to think long and hard if something were to happen to you or your money would he stick around or not? If you don’t you could be in for a world of hurt.
Pray on it
If you are wondering if he is the one then you should pray on it. I know it sounds so cliche and I almost hesitated to put it. But as Christians whenever we have a question about anything the first step is to always pray and ask God for guidance. Remember, HE is the ultimate decider of all things. That’s why we are Christians in the first place because we believe that. All decisions we make as Christians should be pretexted with prayer.
I will leave you with one of my favorite verses. I read it every time I have to make a difficult decision and start to feel my faith becoming lukewarm:
[ The Narrow and Wide Gates ] “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.