Now that Same-Sex marriage is a constitutional right in the United States more and more gay men are seeking serious relationships and marriage. However, the AARP recently did a study that showed gay men over 45 are more likely to be single than any other group in America.
But how can that be? With the advent of apps like Grindr and more social acceptance of our relationships, you’d think gay dating should be easier than ever. But it turns out that Grindr could actually be part of the problem for many gay men who are seeking real relationships.
Is Grindr Good?
Is grindr good for gay men? Grindr is good if you are looking for quick and easy sex but beyond that, it can be quite damaging to a person’s psyche and even toxic to the soul. There are a few reasons for this which I will get into below.
It Creates a Paradox of Choice
Ever been rejected by someone who you thought was in your league? Remember, that great feeling you got when you saw that they were still single and looking 6 months later? Come on, be honest I know I do.
Go on a typical Grindr profile and you’ll see a laundry list of ‘no’s’. No fats, no fems, no blacks, no Asians. The prevailing mindset on grindr is to weed people out until they find their golden goose. But in reality, guys get so caught in a negative mindset of ‘weeding people out’ that it may cause them to devalue them.
According to Gallup, just 4.5% of the population identifies as LGBT. Assuming gays and lesbians are split evenly that means that just 2.25% of the population are gay men. Grindr may give gay men the illusion that they have a large dating pool to choose from. This could us to be too selective and not understand that as gay men our dating pool is significantly smaller than the heterosexual one.
Grindr Can Be Addictive
Going on Grindr is surprisingly similar to playing the slots. With one pull you could get that $10,000 jackpot. But since you don’t know when the lucky pull is coming just keep pulling and pulling (and paying). Grindr is essentially the same. You may log on and meet that hot guy that wants to hook up and give you that best orgasm you’ve ever had (or meet your future husband) but more often you’ll get disappointment and even mistreatment from other users. Since you don’t know when you will hit that jackpot you keep logging on again and again which causes you to get frustrated.
Once frustrated its easy to take it out on other users since the environment is still relatively anonymous. So what you end up with is a situation where you’re addicted to an app that causes you pain and frustration.
It Can Cause You to Base Your Self Worth on Sex
We all know that people on Grindr are not shy to say what they’re looking for and to tell you if you’re not it. When I was on grindr I was lucky if I even got a ‘Hello’. I mostly guys saying things like ‘looking for a top with a big dick. How big is yours? Send pics”. It made me feel like an object. My value to them was based solely on how well they thought I could give them sexual pleasure
I’m not the only one. Since the premise of Grindr is sexual in nature it can be easy to base one’s self-worth on superficial things such as the body and/or penis size. What’s worse is for many gay men, especially those who aren’t into bars, Grindr is their only avenue of interaction with other gay men which exacerbates the problem.
Grindr Teaches People to be Self Centered
When you go on grindr you’re presented with this buffet of men in front of you which gives the illusion of a lot of choices. That’s why when many of us go on the app we just think about what we want and what will make us happy at the moment.
But real relationships don’t work that way. Real relationships are an amalgamation of what both parties want and they compromise to make it work. But on apps like Grindr if a guy doesn’t check all of our boxes we can easily just move on to the next guy. It gives a false impression that there’s always something better right around the corner and makes us less likely to stick it out when times get tough with our partners.
I remember reading an article on HuffPo about a guy on Grindr who was a gym bunny and had ‘the body’. He described an experience of while getting lots of sex feeling empty and used. What I liked most about his piece is he admitted he was also a jerk to people and not just a victim. Grindr can cause people to become bitter queens really quickly, even if they have, ‘the body’. It’s no wonder that 77% of Grindr users regret using the app.
There Are Grindr Success Stories
I have a friend who met his husband on Grindr. He couldn’t be happier and despite everything else, Grindr is still the largest app out there to meet other gay men. However, there are some great niche sites and apps you should consider. Growlr is a great app for bears and their admirers. FilipinoCupid and ThaiCupid are great sites if you’re looking for a place where age is just a number. You can see my full list of gay dating apps and sites here.
Many gay men report negative experiences on Grindr, however, there are some success stories as well. If you are looking for a more positive experience there are better gay apps and dating sites out there. I remember my mother telling me if you keep trying one thing and it’s not working it might be time to try something else.