We’ve all done it. We finally meet someone who is physically attractive and fits our personalities and we just can’t help but fall in love too quickly.
I’ve done it and I know I’m not the only one. The marriage of Colton Haynes and Jeff Leatham is a perfect example of this. They dated for 3 months before they married and are now getting divorced after a grand total of 6 months of marriage.
Let’s face it. Gay love is tough and our dating pool is very tiny. Remember less than 1/10 of the population is a gay man so its very easy to move too quickly after finding someone that you think you’re actually compatible with.
Signs Your Gay Relationship is Moving too Fast
These are my signs that your relationship could be moving too fast. If you want to avoid ending up with a broken heart it’s a good idea not to move to fast. In fact, that’s one of my 8 secrets to a successful gay relationship.
You Say You’re In Love But You Don’t Know His Favorite Color Yet
I remember a friend calling me and saying how in love he was with this guy he hooked up with on Grindr. He kept using phrases like ‘he’s perfect’ and ‘where has he been all my life?!’ and even more dangerous ‘he’d never do anything to hurt me’. (that phrase scares me more than anything).
I just listened and then asked him if he was sure he was in love. Yes of course! was his response. I replied oh that’s great. Let’s get him a two-week anniversary gift to give to him on your next date, how about a teddy bear. What’s his favorite color? He just paused for a moment. Then he finally replied, I don’t know.
I like to use color but really it could be any basic aspect about him. If you want to declare love to someone you should know basic things about him such as his birthday, favorite color, and favorite meal. I include those questions in my breaking the ice guide.
It’s All About Sex
Hey, sex is good isn’t it? Great sex is even better and once you find someone who pushes all of your buttons in the way you like them to be pushed it can be very easy to confuse that with love.
If you’re concerned if what you’re feeling is lust instead of love; take a moment to step back. Are you guys actually getting to know each other or just getting it on? If the conversation is just a precursor to the screwing, that could be a sign the relationship is more of a fun-fest than a real relationship.
You Haven’t Met Their Friends and Family
As much as we may hate to admit it we’re a lot more like our friends and family (especially family) than we think. That’s why it’s essential to meet the person we’re in love with’s friends and family.
If he won’t introduce you to them that’s a big red flag right there. See my article on 5 relationship red flags. A good way to know a person is to see their gene pool and who they associate with.
The reality is that speed causes you to miss things. Who knows maybe you’re in love with a guy whose best friend is a neo-nazi. If you’re going to be in a long-distance, international, relationship it’s essential you talk to his family.
You Haven’t Experienced Something Difficult Yet
The sex is amazing, you seem to have everything in common, and you have similar goals and life objectives. What more is there? The fact that you haven’t gone through something difficult yet. No relationship is without conflict and if you want to marry someone you need to see if you guys can make it through a difficult conflict.
I want to make it clear I don’t just mean a Micky Mouse conflict like he wants to go to the movies and you want to go roller skating (did I just reveal my age here?). I mean a real conflict such as, he just got accepted into Stanford Business School and you got into Wharton on the other side of the country and neither of you wants a long-distance relationship.
If you can make it through a serious conflict like that then you can be surer this relationship is meant to be.
You Suspect it’s Moving too Fast
One of the best ways to understand anything as subjective as a relationship is our instincts. If your spidey sense is telling you that this relationship is moving too fast and you both need to take a breath listen to it.
We’ve all heard the story of the couple that met and got married after 1 month and they’re still together 15 years later. Trust me dearies, that’s the exception, not the rule. Most relationships that move too rapidly end quickly.
It takes time to know a person, figure out what their needs are, and most importantly if you can fulfill their needs. A solid relationship has 4 pillars: common interests, shared moral values, compatible life goals and objectives, and mutual respect (with mutual respect being the most important).
You need to be sure your relationship has those things before you even think about marriage. While I’m not a fan of rigid timelines, it usually takes more than a month to know if those four pillars are there.
How Fast is Too Fast to Fall in Love?
As I said earlier there are no rigid timelines. If you’re in a long-distance relationship where you haven’t even met the guy in person I would be hesitant to call it love. There are just too many blanks that you’re filling in with your own desires without realizing it. The thing is when it comes to relationships there is simply a factor of luck.
I’ve seen couples where one partner didn’t even speak English that well and they’re still together 10 years later. I’ve seen others where they both did all of their due diligence and they still split.
In my opinion, the number one thing that will determine whether or not a relationship will work is whether or not both parties have the will to make it work. People who are impulsive tend to cut and run at the first sign of trouble. When I was single I searched for a partner that had mental discipline and resisted the urge to make important decisions quickly.
Committing Too Soon & Moving in Too Soon
Committing too soon is detrimental to your psyche. How do you know when you’ve committed too soon? One good sign is if you committed out of fear of losing him. If you have to browbeat someone into going steady with you that relationship is almost always doomed to fail.
Remember what we talked about earlier, the best determinant of the longevity of a relationship is the will of those in it, to stay in it. Someone who was compelled to enter into a relationship doesn’t have much will to stick it out when times get tough.
This is why it’s really important not to move in together too soon. Some people think if they make it more difficult to break up that it’ll make the relationship last longer.
While it’s true moving in together can make it more difficult to break up completely, ou could be in a world of misery if you find yourself living with, and having to look at the person, who cheated on you every day of the week. Also, in relationships with large income gaps, he could just be using you because he needs a place to stay.
If there is a large income disparity then you really should avoid moving too fast. I have an article on how to deal with large age and income gaps you can take a look at.
What to Do if You’re Moving Too Fast
If you’ve determined you’re moving too fast the obvious course of action is to slow down. The question is how to do it without hurting your partner’s feelings.
I find the best way is to get him to agree you’re moving too fast. Ask him if he feels like you’re moving too fast. Most of the time he’ll admit that you are. The best way to slow it down is to avoid using the “L” word. ‘Love’ is a strong word and shouldn’t be used lightly.
Also, consider not having sex for a while and see if your feelings for each other remain the same. The best way to slow it down is to have an open and honest discussion with your partner on how to slow it down and make sure it’s for real.
I just want to say to please don’t be ashamed if you’re relationship is moving too fast. Most of us want love, and it’s very easy to blindly embrace what appears to be good fortune. Just because you started off too fast that doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed to fail. If you guys are both determined to make it work then trust me you will find a way to make it work.