I just booked my flight to Phuket (pronounced Poo-Ket not f*ck it) and I just thought of some of the biggest mistakes I made when gay dating in Thailand? I’ve been traveling to South East Asia for years and I can’t help but laugh at my own naivety from that time.
The biggest mistakes I see gay men making when dating in Thailand are 1. Thinking they can buy love.
2. Not understanding the stark differences between eastern and western culture
3. Not paying enough attention to the warning signs when someone is trying to take advantage of them.
4. Being arrogant
5. Not understanding that just because a Thai guy is smiling and nodding at you it doesn’t mean he actually likes you.
6. Not being honest with themselves.
Mistake 1. Thinking they can buy love. We all know that Thailand is an incredibly cheap place to live if you do it right. The problem is many guys that were barely making it in their home countries now feel like kings when they come here and think they can buy anything including a person. Listen, you can buy someone’s time or even rent their body but you can never buy love! I do think sending money to your Thai lover is appropriate at the right time, however, sending money won’t change his feelings for you. If he’s showing the signs that he doesn’t really like you no amount of money or gifts will change that and it’s time to move on.
Mistake 2. Not understanding that there are stark differences between eastern and western culture. Just because many Thais in the tourist industry speak English it doesn’t mean going to Thailand is like going from one state to another. Here are some differences that seem to grind the gears of westerners the most. First, when someone gives a time it’s usually a suggestion. Being late is not a social faux pas in Thailand–Germans seem to really have a problem with this. Second, things that seem basic to us–like the phone company actually sending you a bill before expecting you to pay it–are not necessarily that way. Third, respect is very important in Thailand. Thai society doesn’t value freedom of speech over politeness like we do. In fact, you can be thrown in jail just for speaking ill of the Thai monarch–even if what you say is true!!
Mistake 3. Not paying attention to the warning signs when someone is taking advantage of them. This is mostly caused by guys thinking with the wrong head. They get young men in their prime of their lives throwing themselves at them and they just don’t know how to deal with it properly. Therefore they ignore the signs that they’re just being used for a green card or money.
Mistake 4. Being arrogant. As discussed above you can be jailed just for speaking ill of the king but that’s kind of rare. Most likely what will happen is you’ll have a really difficult time in Thailand. Your service will be slow and people will make a special effort to screw you over and part you from your money.
Mistake 5. Not understanding that just because a Thai is friendly and smiling at you it doesn’t mean he actually likes you. This is a polite culture so someone smiling and nodding at you means absolutely nothing. It’s not unheard of for a Thai to smile and act like you’re his best friend and then rip you to shreds as soon as you turn your back.
Mistake 6: Not being honest. This is a biggie. Many guys will say they are looking for a boyfriend when in reality all they want is a romp. Look, what happens in Thailand stays in Thailand. You don’t need to lie to get some behind here. And please don’t promise a guy a visa to America just to get laid! It makes us all look bad and you’ve helped create yet another embittered Thai user.
Here’s what to look for in a Thai husband.
So now you know what not to do let’s talk about what a foreigner looking for a Thai husband should do. First and foremost you need to be honest with yourself about what you’re really looking for. If you’re just looking for a hot 20 something to spend time with you for a fee then be honest. That’s super easy to find in Thailand and you don’t really need to read any further.
If you’re looking for something serious with no money involved then you’ll have to look harder and be patient. That kind of thing doesn’t come easy. To be perfectly honest 98% of the guys you will meet are looking for cash and nothing more. Anything they say or do is simply a means to an end. It’ll take a long process before you meet someone that is sincere.
You can, however, speed up the process by going to a reputable dating site like Compatible Partners. Why pay for a site when there are so many Thais hitting you up on Facebook or grindr? Because a Thai that has actually paid to join a website is likely to have a stable job, a stable income, be serious about finding a husband, and most importantly going to be in the middle or upper echelons of society.
You’re going to want someone that doesn’t need you. In other words a professional guy with a stable job. I’ve found tour guides earn pretty well, around 1000-2000 baht per day. Second is going to be your public school teachers. Public school teachers in Thailand earn very well. Note: I said public school teachers. There’s a vast difference between public and private school salaries. My ex was a private school teacher and he earned equivalent to $300usd a month. If he tells you he’s a teacher ask him if he passed the board and if he works at a public or private school. Third are nurses but frankly, I’d be hesitant to date a nurse in Thailand as they earn very little. Not that we’d be splitting the expenses 50/50 it’s just that if he’s not earning much the chances are higher that he’s just looking for a sugar daddy.
I recommend caution if you’re going to date: A student (could be looking for a sugar daddy to pay his tuition which can be quite expensive), a mall boy (they work long hours and don’t earn much), a guy with no job and talks about going abroad. The sad truth is many Thai overseas workers (especially nannies & caregivers) are horribly mistreated, especially in the middle east, so guys will say or do anything to avoid having to go abroad. And no I’m not saying everyone in these groups is bad. I’m just trying to give you an idea of what to expect.
Never ever date a bar boy! A bar (or go-go) boy’s job is to make you think he’s enjoying every minute of his time with you so you’ll tip better. They mostly fare from northeast Thailand, the poorest part of the country, and as far as they are concerned it’s a job and nothing more. And in order to be successful at that job he needs to learn how to manipulate the emotions of his clients. Dating a go-go boy is no different than going to a shoe shop to get your shoes shined. It’s a fee for a service. That’s it!
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The next step for finding a Thai boyfriend or husband is to take your time. There’s no reason to rush and if he’s pushing and rushing for a relationship or marriage too quickly that’s a very good sign that all he wants is a green card. A person that doesn’t need you also doesn’t need to rush. Marriage is serious and you want to make sure he’s the right one. I know a guy that got ditched as soon as he brought this hottie back from Mexico. Turns out the guy wasn’t even really gay and had a wife and kids in Mexico. He was just desperate for a green card and he got it.
Something really important that you need to do is to ask him to produce a Certificate of Single Status or Affirmation of Freedom to Marry. This is especially important if you are trying to get a masculine top. The certificate means that he’s not already married to a woman as many masculine tops can be.
The final thing you need to know is if you’re barely making ends meet yourself then you have no business dating a Thai guy. It’s not fair to waste these peoples’ time knowing that you have no intention of, or can’t, give him a better life. I’m not saying it’s all about the money but come on. We all know resources are going to be part of the reason he’s interested just like his youth and body are, at least in part, of the reason you’re interested.
Related: Gay Dating With a Big Age Gap
I do want to make sure to let you know that once you find a Thai boy that actually loves you they make the best partners you’ll ever have. A Thai that truly loves you will make you experience love in a way that you’ve never experienced in your entire life. He’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy and hopefully, you’ll do the same for him. I’m a techie so I spend most of my days staring at my laptop looking at code and graphs. Suffice it to say I don’t care about clothes or anything of the sort. I’ll never forget one day I tried to go out to go to the store but my boyfriend wouldn’t let me go because my shirt was wrinkled. He didn’t want his lover (me) to be seen in clothes that weren’t ironed. He made me give him my shirt and he ironed it and then let me go out. That was when I knew he was the right one to be my husband.