With same-sex marriage becoming the norm in most of the industrialized world more and more gay men are seeking monogamous relationships that could lead to marriage. Unfortunately, according to a recent AARP study, gay men over 40 are the most ‘uncoupled’ group in America. It’s no wonder that many are turning to younger men for companionship. Many younger men are attracted to the maturity and stability that men over 40 can offer.
That being said gay intergenerational dating is not for everyone and it takes a lot of maturity from both parties in order for such a relationship to succeed.
If you can’t see yourself loving someone 10 years or older than you without being paid or if you can’t see yourself treating your partner as an equal even though you are the one paying all the bills than gay intergenerational dating is not for you.
Think because you’re young and thin that you’re doing him a favor by being with him? Think again! Think because you’re always flipping the bill that he should be your de facto slave? Not so fast mister! Real relationships aren’t about keeping tabs. They’re about respect and gay dating with a big age gap takes a large amount of maturity from both sides in order to succeed.
The Trophy and the Sugar daddy
While there’s nothing wrong with wanting a man younger than you nor someone that has money those shouldn’t be the only reasons you are interested in inter-generational dating. Living in the Philippines I see this paradigm all the time.
An older man walking around with some barely legal boy that has zero interest in him other than his wallet or his passport. The older man knows the boy doesn’t love him. The young man is just willing to endure the gossip and shame for the aforementioned reasons. The older man is getting a trophy. He wants to show his friends back home pictures with his prize.
These relationships are always so sad to me as they are unhealthy for both parties. Yes, the young man is getting money but he doesn’t want that guy on top of him every other day. Yes, the older man is getting his trophy but deep down he knows young man hates it when they are intimate. He sees his ‘partner’ never initiating physical intimacy, but merely tolerating it. He sees his partner texting his friends laughing if ever he has male issues. That’s gotta hurt!
Dating a Younger Gay Man
The good news is I’ve also seen true & happy older/younger relationships. The young man loves every single wrinkle on his partners face and every pound on his waist. The older man loves every immature joke or inexperienced life tale he hears. No one is a trophy nor a sugar daddy. The younger man is the flower looking to be pollinated and the older man is the butterfly seeking a flower for nectar. A mutually beneficial & loving relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a younger men!
Sometimes people judge when a man decides to date a younger man but the truth is it’s natural to be attracted to youth and vitality. There are even websites like Compatible Partners where you can seek older or younger men. The reality is many of those gay men judging, secretly, want a young man themselves. If someone 20 years younger than you is what makes you tick then as long as he’s legal then go for it! We all have our dating preferences whether it be ethnicity, weight, height, or anything else. It’s better to be honest than to try to force yourself to be in a relationship with someone you’re not happy with.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting economic security!
Resources have been a factor when choosing a partner since the beginning of time. Men tend to look for signs of vitality and good health (i.e. youth) while women tend to look for signs of security and resources i.e. money. Men want a woman that can give him good healthy progeny while women want a man that will stick around and provide security for her offspring. The gay world isn’t much different. A lot of older men look to younger men for sexual attractiveness and younger men are looking to older men for economic security. Neither of these desires are bad things.
Understand that you are both equals
Sometimes gay men tend to look at inter-generational relationships as unequal. The older partner might think he can control the younger partner because he writes the rent check every month. Sometimes the younger partner might think he’s doing the older a favor because he’s with that particular older guy despite all the others that are flirting with him. Neither scenario is true. You think because you pay the bills that he has to do whatever you say? Think again. He’s a human being that deserves to be treated with respect. If you don’t he’ll leave you for someone that will.
Maybe you think because you are young and thin and constantly have other older men throwing themselves at you that entitles you to special treatment? You think “man he doesn’t know how lucky he is for having me!” If that’s the case then your partner is the most unlucky person in the world to have someone like you sleeping next to him. Good relationships are not favors nor are just about sex. Never be with someone that thinks he’s doing you a favor by being with you. That sounds basic but many gay men have been socialized to believe that that’s all they’re worth.
Avoid buying him expensive gifts & trips in the beginning
We all have it. The urge to shower the one we love with lavish expensive gifts to show our sincerity and love. This is often a fatal mistake. If you try to buy him by giving him expensive gifts no matter how good of a person he is he will come to expect those things from you. What happens if you are no longer able to provide those things?
Just like you don’t want a relationship that’s founded on sex you also don’t want a relationship that’s foundation is expensive gifts & trips. I’m not saying its bad to spoil your partner I’m saying don’t do it in the beginning. If you try to buy him you may end up losing him to the next guy that has more money and unless you’re Bill Gates there’s always going to be someone with more money than you.
Talk about it!
In an inter-generational relationship often the expenses won’t be split 50/50. Honestly almost never. Realize that just because you might be paying more often than not it doesn’t mean he’s using you. If you’re unsure just take a step back and look. Is he opening his wallet when he’s with his friends while claiming to be broke with you? When you’re the one always paying resentment can be a natural reaction. If you feel the resentment towards your partner beginning to fester talk to him about it.
Let him know you understand he may not have much money but you’d appreciate something small like a card, a rose, or even some candy every once in a while. It’s always the little things that count. Which brings me to my next point. If you’re the one with lower finances there are some things you can do to make your partner not feel used. 1. Don’t suggest expensive activities and then expect him to pay. 2. Do little things. He knew coming in that you didn’t have much money. It’s not your money he wants he just wants to feel appreciated and to know you don’t feel entitled to his money because of your youth.
Embrace your differences
A personal story: in some ways my partner and I couldn’t be more different. He’s into Ms. Universe and other ‘gay’ things while I like Adult Swim and Star Trek. My partner will never enjoy an episode of Futurama nor will I ever enjoy watching a Ms. Universe pageant. We embrace those differences as should you. Understand that maybe as an older man you’ve gone through more and been at this game of life longer but that doesn’t mean you need to look down on him or treat him as your son. He wants a partner–not a father. Conversely, don’t interpret advice as him trying to be your dad rather you should interpret it as him trying to prevent you from making the same mistakes he did.
Accept the bitter with the sweet
Yes, you’re going to get strange looks sometimes. Yes, there will be some friends telling you that you can do better or that since you’re the one always paying the tab he should be a de facto servant. These are the things that come up in an inter-generational relationship. On the other hand, if you choose to date a mature guy you’ll get a man who is secure and has your back when something happens. You’ll get a man that understands a relationship is more than sex. Most importantly you’ll get a man that is actually serious about wanting a relationship in the first place! So spread your wings and find your flower or butterfly!